masks...

"To love is to be vulnerable."
- C.S. Lewis

I saw this quote the other day, and haven't been able to stop thinking about this idea.... being vulnerable. Why *is* that so hard? Why is it so incredibly scary?

I don't know... maybe its just trying to exist here in this culture of competition, performance and excellence. (Don't get me wrong, I believe in excellence... but please tell me I'm not the only one who feels like they can't constantly live up to the pressure of it). And its not only my professional/academic life that I feel so much stress... its also my relationships.

I look around and I see friendships form... and then dissolve. Couples unite, and then split. I watch people's perceptions of each other shift (from affection, to criticism). And deep down I wonder how stable my own relationships are... I wonder when the person next to me is going to walk away.

So as a defense, I put the mask on. I'll admit it. Maybe the mask will cover up all my flaws and I can survive a little longer in this competitive workforce. Maybe my friends won't see the scars and imperfections, despise me, and walk away... at least today.

But then I look at that person across from me wearing their mask, and sure, it's beautiful. But when I get close, and reach out and touch their face, its cold... and hard... and fake. And you know, I don't care how many flaws they have, I'd much rather see their face than some painted piece of plastic.

I don't know, that part seems easy--accepting the people around me, no matter how imperfect they are. The hard part for me, is accepting my own weaknesses, and having the courage to take the mask off myself... to expose the reality of my own flaws.

So I guess if Clive is right, and
love = vulnerability
then God... teach me how to love.